100th

As a celebration, my 100th post (on this blog), I posted a thread
http://nobleeps.forumcircle.com/viewtopic.php?p=202&#202 .

So, here it is, an uncensored view of the world.

I had a very dark view of the world when I was young
Unforunately, it (now) is many times blacker.

I have never told this before but…
Forget about NDEs.
How about BBEs?
Before Birth Experiences?
I have memories from before I was born.
What convinces me of that, is that I could never have understood those things at that time.
Let alone make them up.
I should have been a girl.
But I chose to be a boy.
So now, I am a girl trapped inside a guys body.
Apparently I chose certain things.
Being locked up.
My mom peeking at the door, watching me wank.
The crash at Fontana 1999.
Strange one, admitted.
That girl and her present.
Even the guy to spit in my salad at school, which memory I want to erase, the very reason for choosing it in the first place.
The guy who planted it against me?
The mega orgasm over my love of my life, which I knew would be unavailable for me, to which God wondered why I would choose her.
That the Dumbreck crash would only happen if he’d survive.
The Gimli Glider thing, likewise, and all 14!!! simulations apparently crashed!!!
I don’t know if they are all chosen.
God seemed irritated at times, like when I chose certain things and He would say that I would want to commit suicide.
To which I had the “solution” of being too afraid to do it.
Hence my situation now!
To which I chose that, would it get to this, I would die.
I can see why God would want for me to be a girl now, but he wasn’t irritated. I seem(ed) to be more suited to be a girl.
But I would have tried being fucked by dogs!
God never gave an irritated or angry reaction: As He would have known I would do that.
I offer You God, my free will and if You don’t want it, they won’t fuck me!
Just this passed week, feeding geese and swans in that park with the open air theather and fantasizing about being a girl and maybe a girlfriend throwing bread into my blouse/skirt and me bending over so the goose/swan could peck it out.
I would have done quiet some things!
Because of my psychiatric experiences, I would have quit as a singer and played Ol Rag Blues as a last song but would sing, at the very last, Dark Blue Jeans and pee them on stage!
Another fantasy is, had I been a girl, to have it filmed when wetting the psychiatrists lap at the hostage takers… institution.
Your bump or mine…
As a… an amateur real dare movie or what!?
You have to change me now… !!?

Nice bridge to change the subject.
To conspiracies to be exact.
I posted about the Vaatstra ‘thing’.
The guy from http://rechtiskrom.wordpress.com/ wrote a book about it.
Some, who are now panicking, because obviously they are close to the truth, have suggested, wait for this, that all who believe it should be locked up!
One of them is Peter R de Vries, who has now been given a number of nick names but I’m pretty certain nobody has come up with this one/mine:
Peter Rimmer (as in Rimming) de Vries.
As the facts are known to me, I suggest an alternative scenario…
(I think I posted that I have reason to believe that they have a copy of the murder film)
Because of the injuries reported in the autopsy report, and the tire marks on the road, it may not be far fetched to suggest she was deliberately run over.
I write this, because the tire marks (heavy braking?) were reported to the police, WHO DENIED THEY WERE THERE but, after people kept reporting it, THEY PUT A STRIP OF ASPHALT/TARMAC OVER THEM. Only that bit!

Because of that, I believe that the Soham Murders conspiracy ( http://hollyandjessica.wordpress.com ) will come out.

The thing I struggled with was that, if there IS a God, why he lets it all happen.
Maybe it is like motorsports or public safety.
They don’t do anything until something happens to a ‘big name’.
For if we do not do something about it (colle/actively) it needs something bigger to bring change!

Lets not cover all conspiracies here, but they seem to over do it.
Over compensate.
Jimmy Savile…
bbc > savile > children in need…
Vile.
Evil.
You can’t make it up, can you!
The guy’s name at rechtiskrom.wordpress.com is Thankfull!

I was not living in the UK but had donated to Children in Need*, but quit after the Soham scandal.
After the savile scandal, I think they collected MORE THAN EVER?!??
*And wanking over it!
(Sian Williams apologised after someone said wanking…)

Lets just say that, when they can’t answer the question, they say: Conspiracy thinkers!

Moving on and I have posted about how my mom would force me on the toilet and how, I’m convinced, it grew into my panty pooping habit.
Trying to put different emotions into memories.
They say that abusers often were abused themselves.
Maybe they made the wrong choice…?

One conspiracy theory I want to mention is that sometimes they call certain habits an illness.
As I posted in an earlier post, maybe they know the power of habits, symbolism…

Which brings us to meditation.
As someone mentioned on watchgirlspeeing.com (@ which I re-registered as loser), a good dump can be quiet erotic.
Just imagine…
You girls and them periods.
Just imagine yourself having a happy period.
http://nobleeps.forumcircle.com/viewtopic.php?t=55
You may suddenly feel the urge to change brands!
Seriously, just try it, meditation.
It may take a while.
Tell yourself, when you feel good, relaxed, focused, that you will reach that stage sooner and sooner and you want to take it to your sleep!

I have had heart complaints after meditating to have them!
Apparently, it is possible to die of heart problems when life has no purpose anymore.
Although I meditated for being dead as being positive for me, as it needs to be positive.
I thought to go on holiday once more and die of an overdose of happiness.
But now I don’t even get that far and just die before it.
I now can’t even imagine coming back!

Which leaves us with a final memory (before birth) of a place where I had a strange feeling last year, and that’s apparently where I die!

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